Whatever
by lm25pc
Summary: Meredith stream of conciousness post 4.04. A threeish shot at the most. Cause I had to get it out of my head. Meredith is not a doormat, not in my reality.
1. Chapter 1

What, don't look at me like that, what? You want me to chase him out to his trailer and give in to his passive aggressive ultimatums. No. Not this time. No. You want to know why? Because despite common belief I do want this, very much. And this, this wont work if I keep letting him treat me like a child. So, at this point, no, no running to him.

I know, I know, you're all freaked, "but Meredith, what if he meets someone else". Far be it from me to be arrogant, but, yeah right – not. Did you SEE Addison, did you meet her, hair, legs, face, attitude.. perfect. And he left her for me. So, yeah, while I am offering him unlimited sex, and a promise of getting ready, do you really think he's going to move on, with, what, the next semi-pretty scrub nurse that shows up?

What you think this is out of character? Where has spineless, avoiding Meredith gone? Not so spineless I tell you. Sure I may be 50 Thatcher's genetics. But 50 of it's Ellis's, plus 95 her raising (or her paid employees). Anyway, I bring 80 of my own Meredithness to the mix anyway. So yeah I know all the clichés, rambling, avoidy, issue ridden Meredith. But how about competent, compassionate, loyal?? STRONG. They work too.

And you know, this thing with us. Derek and I, I mean. It's not a history lesson. I couldn't give a flying toss about who said what, who did which that hurt more or less. All I really want is a breath. A space of time to breathe and be, and return to me. And I don't really care who or what moved me away from me, I just want to get back. But it doesn't stop, with the deaths, the slaps, the yelling, the exams, the ultimatums, the devastated friends, the half sisters… ARGH, I just want to get off the merry go round for a few minutes, and get my breath back. Maybe it's like I ate too much candy floss and I just need to go chuck it up and then my life can resume. But I can't even make it to the toilet and Derek and Lexie are there offering me toffee apples as well.

So, yeah no following him. Not now, not yet. He will wait. If all that McDreamy crap has any validity he will wait. He will dangle and threaten me, and I am getting back to ballsy tough Meredith. And she wont take that crap. So sorry, no panicking here. Sohe's not sure what he will do? So he can find out if he needs to.

But either, he will wait, or he is full of bullshit and I don't care.


	2. Chapter 2

So I banked my Alex favor and decided to work my shift today. No need to sit around home sulking. One sulker is enough in this, not-relationship, thing we have going on. What is it with the moods. How does one person go from ultra dreamy elevator attacks to dark and brooding and woe the love of my life wont have dinner with me? In less than a 10 hour period? I have no idea.

I know I'm not the most cheery of people these days, but seriously, at least I'm consistent. Sure there was the ill fated bright and shiny attempt a few months back… god is that all it is, yeah, man how crap did my life get in such a short period? Anyway, what was I thinking, oh yeah, Bright and shiny pffft. It's kinda like how "they" tell you not to crash diet, they don't work, and sometimes you just end up fatter than before. So that's what I'm trying to do, just gradually improve my eating habits so I'm healthy for a lifetime (that's an analogy right, I'm not really turning into a health nut.. one of those in a relationship (not that we have one at the moment) is enough too).

So here I am at work, on one of my rostered day. In an ok mood, not twisty, but not shiny, just me. I'd really like that uninterrupted 48 hours with Derek one day. Not just the sex, ok so mainly the sex, but you know, 48 hours, just to be. Us. Cause you know, he seems to at least stay consistent when we are spending time together. It's not like he changes mood's so much on me when were hanging out, at the trailer or mine. The moodiness and the dramatic shift in his take on things all seem to happen when we spend time apart.

Weird, I just kinda worked that out. Why I wonder. It's like someone else is getting in his ear and influencing how he feels, but who? Who would he go to for advice about me? Mark? Yeah right, man-whore, cheated on his wife Mark, I don't think so. The Chief? Affair with married collegue, wife leaving him Chief, no not him either. Bailey? Burke? Nah, I can't see him bothering to take our issues to others, he's not that guy is he? No, he's pretty confident and sure of himself…. I can't see him knee jerking to other peoples opinion about us, Not to the degree that his beahviour seems to shift when we are apart.

Hmmm.. maybe it's hormonal?


End file.
